I've Lost the Path

The Beginning

I've never been great at expressing my feelings verbally, but this seems like as good a place as any to start. I'd like to utilize this space to express my inner thoughts and feelings. A journal of my internal dialog, a book of shadows, a memoir dedicated to the inner workings of my crazy brain.

I'm Lost

I suppose the first order of business is to state the obvious. If you asked me on my birthday in January where I thought I'd be in 6 months, right here is probably the last place I would have guessed. So much has happened this year that I probably won't be able to express it all in writing. Suffice to say that my outlook on life, love, family, happiness, and more have all changed - significantly and for the better. I think. 

On the one hand, it's fairly simple to say that my life is obviously better. I've regained a lot of my health in the past 4-6 weeks which probably has a lot to do with my mental health improvements. I'm certainly less stressed, that much is sure. I've been learning how to focus on the bigger picture instead of all of the little things. For the first time in years I'm conscious of the future and of where I'd like to be in 6 months, 6 years, and beyond. I have goals and dreams and plans to achieve them.

On the other hand, life is more complicated than ever. My demanding job is ever more demanding. The kids are getting older and developing very strong personalities. My relationship with my wife is ever-growing and changing. An added relationship is blossoming - meaning I'm treading new territory and navigating the narrow path that is required to grow that relationship without suffocating it or surrounding relationships - something that I'm not great at, by the way!

But none of that is what this post is about.

Follow the Breadcrumbs

I've always been a little different - never really fitting into the societal "norms". Sure, I can play dress up and fill the part(s) that my work life and family life require me to. I can be the nice guy, the opinionated guy, the normal nine to five guy, etc., but it's not who I am. None of that defines me. I've always embraced certain ideas and ideals that aren't the norm in this one little microcosm I exist in called society.

Beyond that, I've always had an interest in that which is not easily seen or obtained. Things like religion/religious experiences, spirituality, love, belonging. Certainly those things are all connected at a very deep level.

My interest in spirituality combined with my love of history brought me down one very specific path. It's a path, ideologically, I still hold dear. However, ideology and practicality are very separate beasts. At this point in time I've left that trail and can honestly and happily say I'm not on that path. It's confusing, not being on that well-trodden, well-defined path any longer. At first it was even scary - feeling dark and alone, abandoned.

Into the Thick of It

I wish I could say that I had an epiphany that other paths exist - that maybe the path I was on wasn't the only one in these woods - but that simply isn't my story. I've always known about the other paths, but I never felt called to them. But now those paths are calling to me and I am peeking my head around every corner with curiosity - searching for the light which I know lies just beyond the next corner.

It means I'm in a time of self-discovery and learning. Opening up to the new things in my life is a joy even if letting go of the old ways is somewhat difficult. Change is often times difficult and painful, but I can honestly say that I'm enjoying the metamorphosis despite whatever pain there may be.

I've let go of a lot of the principles that I once felt defined me. I've gotten rid of the old compass and acquired a new one. But maybe the principles were never right for me. Maybe the old compass was always pointing in the wrong direction. Uncertainty is ultimately the lone flag I let fly, but maybe that's okay.

A Light in the Distance

This spring I had a religious experience outside of a religious setting for the first time in my life. As much as I fight it and don't want it to, it has guided my steps for the past couple of months. It has given me bouts of confidence, but also occasions of desperation. The internal struggle to re-define myself has been driven by this experience which I loathe and also desperately desire. 

Spiritual experience is a necessity for my being, I've come to realize. I crave it, but no longer in the old ways. I want to experience the Universe in personal ways, and I'm just now starting out on the paths that will lead me to that end. I'm spending time dedicated to learning, reading, listening to others' experiences and soaking in all that I can, and I'm doing it unabashedly.

I see light in certain traditions which I'm now exploring and feel beckoned down certain paths. I see light despite the darkness and it's comforting. I have two loving relationships to support and guide - and to be lost together with! Lost, but not alone - the most comforting thought of all. 

Forging a Path

I've learned and re-learned certain morals and truths over the last couple of months and have come to a conclusion. It's okay that I don't fit the mold. It doesn't mean that I'm broken. It also means that I do occasionally (read often) have to wear masks to play certain roles, but that's okay. It's all a dance, but that dance doesn't define who I am.

It's okay to forge a path all my own - or to join a path shared with my family - or to even meander down different paths from time to time. Life isn't about what's at the end of the path or being on the correct path, it's about realizing where you are and enjoying the journey no matter what!

And Now, Toast

So with that said, I'm raising a glass to new adventures and freedoms. The freedom to explore beyond simple curiosity those paths that I thought long abandoned and the adventures that lie in wait. And so all that remains is to offer a libation in preparation for the journey ahead. Skål!